[picture from www.astrofoto.ca]
I could do it.
I could drag myself back onto the track of eating the right things, exercising properly, schedule the bejesus out of my daily life to fit in more music practice, more language practice. Fill my work days with going that extra mile, supporting my technical career development or whatever bullshit. Bend it to my own future freelancing needs. Promote my bands. Play my own stuff more. Stick to it. Fight and fight and fight. Achieve achieve achieve. Follow up on progress in Berlin more. Scrimp. Save. Squeeze every last £ and p out of my current possessions to fund my future life.
I’ve done that. I’ve sacrificed for my dreams. Years in the trenches of the City banks, trying to buy my freedom. Hooking up with startups – getting involved, caring. Caring about being competent, about being good about doing it right. Thinking there was a right way. Thinking that that made a difference. Running to stand still. Making it out. In good company, free … then over too soon, running away from running away… adversity driving us apart, driving us into ourselves, rather than bringing us together.
What do you do when you come back from the Moon and no-one’s going to Mars? I’m Buzz, not Neil. Lost.
I don’t want to compete with the whole goddamned world. But that’s what we see, every day. What we hear. The best, brightest, most beautiful, hardest working, most lucky, best connected. You can thrash yourself into the ground and still never be one of them.
I’m tired of competing with myself.
I want to be doing things that matter to more than me, but not feel like I have to save the world. To be involved, to do real things that really make a difference. To have people who care I exist – to care for them in turn. To sleep when I am tired, not stuff myself with sugar and caffeine to “keep going” through another pointless set of abstract tasks. To have the dignity of time.
I want this for everyone.
I want to enjoy, to live and to be happy so doing. I never learned this – did you?
But maybe, just maybe, there’s hope …