I fear that I am lazy and selfish. That I just want to do the minimum possible. I fear that if I do what I want, that what I do will be of use to no-one but myself, and therefore it will not sustainable as a lifestyle over my lifetime. I REALLY don’t *want* to turn me into a “brand” and twist my life into a business for the sake of doing approximately or tangentially what I love.
I fear also that if I were to walk the path of what I want to do too long then I end up unemployable and with no fallback – broke and very probably dependent on jumping through bureaucratic hoops to get just enough state aid to stay alive. With no freedom at all. The ultimate in being told what to do.
I mistrust intuition or instinct. Partly because I can see in the world so many people who (perhaps due to poverty, lack of education, or no energy or time) operate almost entirely on instinct plus whatever societal rules or prejudices are in their environment. And that is rarely pretty/enlightened/even in their own medium-to-long-term interests. Partly because so very very many human intuitions are provably inaccurate (when compared with real world measurements and events). But mostly because following my own emotions has not led to me either longer-term happiness or peace, and has *also* materially disadvantaged me every time. Money is power and choice.
I want to just *be* and explore the world, inner and outer, in perfect freedom – and to know that I can do it forever.