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Strange day at the (current) boat today. I was really sleepy all the way there, thought about a nap first, but after a short chat with the commodore who was taking his mast down ready to motor up to the sea, I just went out.

I’d told him about my new boat, so I guess the word will get round.

Top batten snapped putting the main up, got caught just when I was pulling and not looking up! It’s just hardwood and I’ve got to go to the DIY store anyway this week, but mildly annoying. There was not really enough consistent wind to sail – but enough gusts to dislodge my anchor inside an hour. I had one short swim and ate my lunch, but I was not holding well, and when I upped anchor I decided just to motor back (dead upwind and there’s a 1km stretch that you are not allowed to tack in at all). Just as well, and just as well I’d gone to a far closer spot than usual. I was struggling to stay awake most of the way back, like I’d been standing watches on a multi day coastal trip or race.

Got back, made myself drink some water and basically passed out for 3 hours. Took photos of the boat for the for sale advert, not the greatest, because it was SO bright, but at least they are current. Had ice-cream, kebab and sweets on the way back (normally I’m a super healthy eater). I suppose the flukey wind was no worse than usual for the river/lake – I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it today. Oh, and despite not holding, the anchor and chain were full of mud, so I had to chuck some water over the deck -and my legs to clean up. That just seems unfair!!

Guess some days are just like that. I’m OK with it. It’s still 100% better than a day at work!

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Fears

I fear that I am lazy and selfish. That I just want to do the minimum possible. I fear that if I do what I want, that what I do will be of use to no-one but myself, and therefore it will not sustainable as a lifestyle over my lifetime. I REALLY don’t *want* to turn me into a “brand” and twist my life into a business for the sake of doing approximately or tangentially what I love.

I fear also that if I were to walk the path of what I want to do too long then I end up unemployable and with no fallback – broke and very probably dependent on jumping through bureaucratic hoops to get just enough state aid to stay alive. With no freedom at all. The ultimate in being told what to do.

I mistrust intuition or instinct. Partly because I can see in the world so many people who (perhaps due to poverty, lack of education, or no energy or time) operate almost entirely on instinct plus whatever societal rules or prejudices are in their environment. And that is rarely pretty/enlightened/even in their own medium-to-long-term interests. Partly because so very very many human intuitions are provably inaccurate (when compared with real world measurements and events). But mostly because following my own emotions has not led to me either longer-term happiness or peace, and has *also* materially disadvantaged me every time. Money is power and choice.

I want to just *be* and explore the world, inner and outer, in perfect freedom – and to know that I can do it forever.

Thinking bigger

I love hearing about other people’s successes – especially when it does not come “easy”, when there are lessons to be learned, when there are setbacks and recoveries and persistence when, co-operation and self-belief win the day. When people make their escape from where they were, and make it to where they want to be. I think it is human to cheer each other on – at least when we’re not unfortunate enough to suffer from the misconception that success is a zero-sum game. Because it’s not.

Your success as a rock star doesn’t stop me doing it too. It has no effect. Her business success does not block yours – if you are in the same area, and she finds plenty of clients, then that means there are plenty of clients who want this service or product. Which is a WAY better situation than everyone finding there are none! His success with selling his art does not in any way change how you might do in selling yours. In fact the only effects are positive, it says there is success to be had, and that some people know how to get it. We can study them, but better than that, some of these will be willing and happy to advise/teach.

My personal challenge right now is a mental one. I see success in others. I cheer them on, and get a wee thrill from their victories, their progress. I have more trouble with myself. Somehow I don’t feel the belief that *I* can do it, that I can build a business, and income stream, a personal investment fund. I believe I can achieve goals (done that plenty). I know that I can take in new information, learn new skills. The technical side of things does not worry me. It’s a scale issue. I somehow find it tricky to envisage and believe that I can succeed with larger scale enterprises. With those where I can get myself out of the business, or sell it off. With having big enough ideas, with providing big enough value to enough people to bring in big income. With succeeding long term in my investments.

I don’t know why. I only know that I’m working on it, with courses that I’m doing, with mastermind groups I’m in, with networking and helping out – however I can. With asking questions and listening​ to the answers. With trying to learn to love the process.

Dreams come true

I’m not sure why the habit of writing here slipped, yet again, out of my daily (or at least weekly) routine. I can say too much screen time, I can point out my 4 week long wait for my wrist to heal after the boat scrubbing epic, I can mention my procrastination over whether to start seperate blogs for business, for sailing, for investing, for music. All this and more, and yet that’s not it. A failure of hope, of imagination, of belief in my own importance.

There’s some declarations I’m working on. You may know this concept as affirmations – same thing when done right. And they are telling me:

I am important

I have important work to do

I’m here for a reason

I fulfill my mission

I live my vision

I make a difference

I am a warrior of the light

This is my destiny

(I can only hear the last in Gerald Butler in 300 style – “THIS IS ….MY DESTINY!!” Maybe this is useful 🙂 )

Believing this now is important, it *is* the mission, it *is* what I’m here for right now. It *is* the place where I am on the path that I’m on. The actions I take as a result of these beliefs are what get me to my goals, are what make the dreams come true.

Should bes

I should already be free. I had it all. But I clearly could not handle it. We came back from the sea, made an album .. and in the middle of it I went crazy. That is the only way I can see it right now. There was rescue even then, but no, I destroyed (not only) my life and I still don’t really know why. Tired of trying to be perfect? But what a way to rebel against that. Then, in the aftermath, hideously depressed, near-drowned in guilt and shame and grief, I clawed my way far enough out to survive, build yet another life – but made further hideous decisions that mean I am right back in the Hamster Wheel, fighting again to get out. I have no idea if I am “better” yet, if I ever will be.

I would say I can’t live with it, but I am doing.

I am trying every day to appreciate what I have (which ain’t nothing! By all the gods that don’t exist, it is so very very far from nothing!).

But it hurts. Still. That I am not free, like my soul says I should be. I am re-Minioned, rewound and replaying. Obsessed with plotting and planning what I know I can do – escape. Knowing I can’t wait, knowing that this time I will have to give up part of what is good about where I am now.

I think I need to forgive myself – I can only see that redemption in the resumption of my dreams. Me, a small boat, and the sea…

Fantasy Heroes

I think my job on stage, with my various rock bands, has always to be a fantasy. To be powerful, commanding, charming, sexy, scary. To be what the men (and some women) want and the women (and men) want to be. To represent all they wish for, to make them feel, for a little while, that they have that, that they *are* that (or could be). I don’t think I use that power to its fullest extent. Because I don’t understand it.

I never had heroes myself, you see. I never felt that. I never got that from all the bands I have been to see, all the music I have heard. To me, how could I? Unless it is me, personally, up there doing just that, I feel … nothing much. I can admire and respect the skill, the hard work that has gone in, I can appreciate the result as art itself – but there is no transference. They are not me. Their achievements are not mine. I don’t own them.

I am not a *fan* – of sports teams, business heroes, great scientists, artists. I am not a patriot. I never felt company loyalty. When people say “us” and “we” for their football team or country, when they clearly see that team’s achievements and failure as *theirs*, despite that all they do is watch and read and talk about it – I don’t understand. They are not out on the pitch doing it, they are not managing the team, or running the company that pay the wages… So how can they have that feeling? Just. Don’t. Get. It.

Except in two areas. Sailing – as skipper or crew, we all become one with the boat, and we *cannot* do it alone. We are one. There is genuinely an “us”. We survive only together. We succeed only together. Or people get hurt (or worse), and in a very immediate fashion. Right before our eyes. For reasons either definitely NOT in our power (the weather) and reasons absolutely within our power (our preparedness and effort). It’s REAL.

I can guess climbing, exploring, subsistence farming and tribal level warfare would be the same. (Maybe startups come close, with the economy as the weather? Not sure on that one).

And the second area is with the right partner in life, where together we are more than each alone could ever be, wielding all our respective powers as one, pulling exactly together in the same direction. Stronger, better, more…

Full throttle

After a Saturday doing chores, and a Skype call about a website with a fellow Self Publishing School student, I made it to the boat on Sunday. Not so peaceful – there were speedboat races on. The proper professional kind, that sound like racing motorbikes!

The engine cover supports were not yet ready (need another coat of paint). This is my first time using water-based paint for outdoor stuff – really good paint! It’s undercoat and paint in one, just the right consistency for my painting technique, and brush cleanup is a doddle – soap and water! It claims to stick to plastic too, so I’m going to try it in the bilges (if I can find the German version of sugar soap to clean them up). If that works, I’ll think about using it on the decks (where it’s not non-slip).

My mission was to take the 10m of chain to attach as a leader to the anchor warp, in preparation for my overnight anchoring experience. I got the chain there, but the anchor shackle was too big to go through it – so I’ve ordered another. I’ll splice the rope to the chain – easy enough to do and neater.

Other vital mission was to measure the wire part of the main halyard for a replacement. It was destroyed by the welder, who came in the week to weld the crack. I’ll have to ask if I should still drill a hole at the end of the weld… The big bolt that holds the masthead fitting on is missing – I’ll ask about that too! Or just get a new one. I am replacing the Allen screws on the jib fitting as well, so I need to go bolt shopping! Also considering new running rigging for the topping lift (to make it actually run through the sheave and hence be operated from the mast) since I’ll be buying a new halyard rope anyway. Must also lubricate the sheaves! Stop the infernal squeaking.

I also established that the solar panel is dead – shame, it’s a huge Sunware one, and was one of the selling points of the boat for me. I balked at direct replacement, as the price is so high compared to the worth of the boat. I’ve ordered a cheap 40W flexible panel – should do to keep the battery charged up. I can plug the holes for the old one and go for direct deck fitting (must buy more sikaflex-subsitute!) and stop a possible leak source (had a few drops this year, have cured with sealant, but still…). Hmm, planning-wise, I should also paint the hatch cover.

I left the plug end for the nice compact trickle charger at home, so I used the big evil one that came with the boat to take it back up to 13V. Much healthier.

I seem willing to spend a *bit* of money on this boat, but I’m not going top-notch on the gear – it’s not THE boat, so most of it is aimed at workable solutions and being in condition for resale. There’s a chance I’ll do some extended sailing on her, though, so it makes sense to have everything working. The next big expense will be a trailer for the winter and maybe for transport – I’ll have to see.

I managed to get the stowable table mostly assembled, but failed completion due to lack of the right size screws – definitely thought I had more. Oh well, trip to OBI in the week (if I can squeeze it in).

I hope the rigging comes back this week so I can get the rig back up at this weekend or next – I’d like to get back sailing before we all have to come out of the water at the end of October. I wish it wasn’t so, but it does freeze round here, so I have no choice!