Looking forward?

There’s got to be more than this. Than getting by, than comfort – but no purpose. Than feeling formless guilt at not doing more to “save the world”, raise the group consciousness, fight the forces of evil that attempt to dehumanise us all – pick your worthy quest. Than then realising that’s ego talking and who am I , are you, are we to think we’re that important?

Planning for the future? Well, either there’s one or other imminent economic, environmental or social disaster, war and conflict, massive change … How can we? Assume “business as (pretty much) usual”, and grind away at earning and investing until we can buy ourselves “free”? If our time is shorter than we calculate – what a waste. Assume the opposite and recklessly and impatiently pursue the “now”, leaving us unstuck when we do end up much older in a world that’s really much the same – only now we’ve no material resources left?

Restless. Impatient. Needing an aim, needing to feel that there’s something do-able that’s worth doing. “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”, they say. But what if “good enough” just does not FEEL that, no matter the logical efforts of our minds? Take a spiritual path? Hope that raising our own consciousness works like “trickle down” theory in economics, and thereby helps the world, nature, the Universe? Thing is, “trickle down” in economics is kinda bollocks, it doesn’t seem to work (human nature gets in the way?). Is it any more valid in the spiritual realm?

I don’t know, I don’t know. What’s to look forward to? I feel disconnected.


Festive Season


Jump the Curve, wear the tinsel, deck the halls, join Marketing in a super-ultra-mega-blowout-feast… we keep them behind glass, like rare specimens … But they do know how to party!

You’ll see my promised “Black Xmas” tree. Black fibre optic tree, black tinsel, black baubles. Just needs to be playing metal…. next year, next year. Very Metal Xmas – with Dio carolling “God rest ye Merry Gentlemen”. Now That’s What I Call Xmas….

Beyond Reason



[All pictures by Stefan McGarry (https://www.facebook.com/stefan.mcgarry.3/media_set?set=a.10152422339171836.1073741858.587846835&type=3)]

Raaaaaawk and Roooooooll! Or rather, \m/ Metal Madness \m/. Beyond Reason and I rocked on up to The Cody Sports and Social Club for a gig … to find that in-house PA meant “in the cupboard PA”. Just add well I know how to set it up then. Even if it is a desk I have never seen, one channel is blown and there is no way I can find to get seperate volume control on the monitor (given only one channel I can’t even use tricks with panning). Still, it kept me to open busy for the ghosts of the past to pay me too intrusive a visit… I didn’t even use it as an excuse to nobble the support band, Late to The Party.

They are a bunch who work with the drummer, so are all pilots and other aircraft related types. And pretty good, in fact. Very tight for a 2nd gig! Possibly tighter than us, also on our 2nd gig. I forget that point – I have played all these places before, with other bands in another life…

BeyondReason Cody

Decent crowd, good gig, minimum of technical hitches (Just Mick’s volume levels – cured by dumping the Marshall’s FX control board). I even managed to find my way out of the maze of airfield and army base that surrounds the club. And managed to forget the past. Almost.

The show always goes on. Always.

Night on the town


Tourist sights, posh burgers, catchup with John in shiny shiny London town. Apparently the side of the South Bank Centre is broken. One for http://thedailywtf.com

Great night, very chilled. And I am now up on all the “geek dad vs 14-yr old geek girl” chron job hacking tactics. 🙂 Dad 1 – Girl 0!

Shame I can’t do it more, but it’s good when it does happen. Got the last fast train home, happy but tired.


I don’t know anyone whose life is like mine. Or whose plans/dreams are at all similar. It makes it difficult to talk things over/mull/sanity check. Makes me feel really quite isolated.

I neither want nor need any one person to add up to the same as me. If you have that, then when one of you (inevitably) changes in a way that the other doesn’t, that can very well be disaster. As can trying to live not admitting you have changed. I try very much not to cripple the future by dwelling on the past, but I do want to learn from it – a tricky balance. I’m in a position for freedom in my life (at least for a time) that few people are. Which is not an accident. It has happened by work and planning and riding out all the changes, bad luck and disasters, and (crucially for my sanity) by never exploiting anyone. I’ve got friends, but there’s no good way to talk about where I am right now with any of them without running the risk of sounding like a total d!ck. That’s the isolating thing.

I’m not a situation that classically seems like it needs sympathy, so I’m very touched that at least some of you get it, at least a little. I am lucky, I have lots of friends and don’t lose touch with many. A few, but that’s people better off out of my life. The good ones are good about staying in touch. Even if our lives go in different ways, it’s good to know they are doing well.

It’s tough to feel I deserve it, to look after myself, to be kind to myself.

Almost as soon as I write this, make it public – the Matrix glitches, and even more good things and good people come into my life.



I spent the weekend up in Norfolk, the convenient halfway meeting place for my family. My sister lives near Norwich and my parents have an envy-inducing 43′ static caravan near N. Walsingham. At least it’s envy-inducing for me, being actually bigger than either the Guildford flat or the Berlin one. Actually, that’s a joke – I am not at all prone to envy, or wanting big living spaces. But it is a nice caravan, proper furniture, not got the boat-style bench-sofa uncomfortable vibe that so many of them have. The site bosses are apparently as horribly money-grubbing as the worst of boatyard/marina owners, and “mooring fees” are always an issue. The club is nice though – great restaurant and outdoor swimming pool!

Family is family, and some things never change, good and bad. Had a great carryout Indian meal, saved Dad from Death by 2 bars of Sainsbury’s White Chocolate. After protesting I didn’t even like it, I scoffed it anyway, drinking tea and watching some Italian series called “Inspector Montalban” that they are into. Helped Dad with a few things on his 7″ Fonepad, and he loved the new mini keyboard I brought him as a pressie. His delighted surprise at it being wireless was great to see. I was worried when he first retired, but he seems to have hit his stride, and is lively and engaged with life. he worked so long and hard, it’s great to see him enjoy life a bit! Mum’s just mum, still bustling and neat and restless, nobody’s idea of a soft touch. We’ve never been close – think that comes from both sides. I respect her though, definitely, and both parents always seem to wish me well – in a very hands off way that suits my massive independent streak. I can’t imagine any sort of personal or relationship discussion with either of them, let’s put it that way, and the whole “Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll” thing – hey well, that wouldn’t be approved of. Definitely not.

I confessed my next (imminent) ambitious scheme to Dad, and left him to pass it on … Mum getting fresh air outside the door, earwigging and knowing something is up – no doubt exasperated by my ways, annoyed at being “left out”. Frankly, I just don’t want to have to repeat myself  – or be judged.

Sunday we had lunch as a family over at the club. VERY nice – despite a little friction between me and my sister (vegetables were just the excuse!). One of the tetchy days, I think. Never can tell why – usually we get a couple of days before that kicks in, but not this time. Nothing epic, just dominance tussling I suspect. I am more amused than anything because I frankly just don’t give a shit these days. But sis can carry it on one-sided… But hey, she’s still one of the few women that is in my mental league, and from a similar background, so that counts for a lot.

My nephew is now 18 months, tall, running about, got a few words and a pile of teeth. Dad loves little kids and is great with him – actually they all are. I don’t much join in (kids are not my thing in any way) but I’m still there, not left out, not being standoffish. Just another background person. Sis reckons he looks like pictures of me as a child (though I was never blonde). I dunno, I haven’t seen any for years. Maybe so, maybe so.

Drive back was horrible. Rain, traffic, Sunday Blues in full swing. It’s not leaving my family – I have no illusions that they are any sort of haven or solution – it’s just Sundays, journeys, and being out there alone with my atypical life.

Mission Accomplished


A long weekend spent on a visit to the past, to somewhere that now no longer exists. Rebooted the mini-hive mind, networked the computers and got the mission done before the Cylons got us. Took it for what it was, worked hard, got the job done. The weather was perfect – Molly has always had the weather luck when she’s needed work.

So, boat done, sold, handed over, new owner literally shown the ropes and pleased as punch despite minor imperfections.

Came back to a speeding ticket, personal life stuff to sort, and today to the realisation that there’s one last bit of paperwork to tie up properly (full colour scans don’t count, apparently!).

But, mission accomplished, past (no matter how good) is past – now onto the next adventures.