I fear that I am lazy and selfish. That I just want to do the minimum possible. I fear that if I do what I want, that what I do will be of use to no-one but myself, and therefore it will not sustainable as a lifestyle over my lifetime. I REALLY don’t *want* to turn me into a “brand” and twist my life into a business for the sake of doing approximately or tangentially what I love.

I fear also that if I were to walk the path of what I want to do too long then I end up unemployable and with no fallback – broke and very probably dependent on jumping through bureaucratic hoops to get just enough state aid to stay alive. With no freedom at all. The ultimate in being told what to do.

I mistrust intuition or instinct. Partly because I can see in the world so many people who (perhaps due to poverty, lack of education, or no energy or time) operate almost entirely on instinct plus whatever societal rules or prejudices are in their environment. And that is rarely pretty/enlightened/even in their own medium-to-long-term interests. Partly because so very very many human intuitions are provably inaccurate (when compared with real world measurements and events). But mostly because following my own emotions has not led to me either longer-term happiness or peace, and has *also* materially disadvantaged me every time. Money is power and choice.

I want to just *be* and explore the world, inner and outer, in perfect freedom – and to know that I can do it forever.


Thinking bigger

I love hearing about other people’s successes – especially when it does not come “easy”, when there are lessons to be learned, when there are setbacks and recoveries and persistence when, co-operation and self-belief win the day. When people make their escape from where they were, and make it to where they want to be. I think it is human to cheer each other on – at least when we’re not unfortunate enough to suffer from the misconception that success is a zero-sum game. Because it’s not.

Your success as a rock star doesn’t stop me doing it too. It has no effect. Her business success does not block yours – if you are in the same area, and she finds plenty of clients, then that means there are plenty of clients who want this service or product. Which is a WAY better situation than everyone finding there are none! His success with selling his art does not in any way change how you might do in selling yours. In fact the only effects are positive, it says there is success to be had, and that some people know how to get it. We can study them, but better than that, some of these will be willing and happy to advise/teach.

My personal challenge right now is a mental one. I see success in others. I cheer them on, and get a wee thrill from their victories, their progress. I have more trouble with myself. Somehow I don’t feel the belief that *I* can do it, that I can build a business, and income stream, a personal investment fund. I believe I can achieve goals (done that plenty). I know that I can take in new information, learn new skills. The technical side of things does not worry me. It’s a scale issue. I somehow find it tricky to envisage and believe that I can succeed with larger scale enterprises. With those where I can get myself out of the business, or sell it off. With having big enough ideas, with providing big enough value to enough people to bring in big income. With succeeding long term in my investments.

I don’t know why. I only know that I’m working on it, with courses that I’m doing, with mastermind groups I’m in, with networking and helping out – however I can. With asking questions and listeningā€‹ to the answers. With trying to learn to love the process.

Dreams come true

I’m not sure why the habit of writing here slipped, yet again, out of my daily (or at least weekly) routine. I can say too much screen time, I can point out my 4 week long wait for my wrist to heal after the boat scrubbing epic, I can mention my procrastination over whether to start seperate blogs for business, for sailing, for investing, for music. All this and more, and yet that’s not it. A failure of hope, of imagination, of belief in my own importance.

There’s some declarations I’m working on. You may know this concept as affirmations – same thing when done right. And they are telling me:

I am important

I have important work to do

I’m here for a reason

I fulfill my mission

I live my vision

I make a difference

I am a warrior of the light

This is my destiny

(I can only hear the last in Gerald Butler in 300 style – “THIS IS ….MY DESTINY!!” Maybe this is useful šŸ™‚Ā )

Believing this now is important, it *is* the mission, it *is* what I’m here for right now. It *is* the place where I am on the path that I’m on. The actions I take as a result of these beliefs are what get me to my goals, are what make the dreams come true.

Should bes

I should already be free. I had it all. But I clearly could not handle it. We came back from the sea, made an album .. and in the middle of it I went crazy. That is the only way I can see it right now. There was rescue even then, but no, I destroyed (not only) my life and I still don’t really know why. Tired of trying to be perfect? But what a way to rebel against that. Then, in the aftermath, hideously depressed, near-drowned in guilt and shame and grief, I clawed my way far enough out to survive, build yet another life – but made further hideous decisions that mean I am right back in the Hamster Wheel, fighting again to get out. I have no idea if I am “better” yet, if I ever will be.

I would say I can’t live with it, but I am doing.

I am trying every day to appreciate what I have (which ain’t nothing! By all the gods that don’t exist, it is so very very far from nothing!).

But it hurts. Still. That I am not free, like my soul says I should be. I am re-Minioned, rewound and replaying. Obsessed with plotting and planning what I know I can do – escape. Knowing I can’t wait, knowing that this time I will have to give up part of what is good about where I am now.

I think I need to forgive myself – I can only see that redemption in the resumption of my dreams. Me, a small boat, and the sea…

Fantasy Heroes

I think my job on stage, with my various rock bands, has always to be a fantasy. To be powerful, commanding, charming, sexy, scary. To be what the men (and some women) want and the women (and men) want to be. To represent all they wish for, to make them feel, for a little while, that they have that, that they *are* that (or could be). I don’t think I use that power to its fullest extent. Because I don’t understand it.

I never had heroes myself, you see. I never felt that. I never got that from all the bands I have been to see, all the music I have heard. To me, how could I? Unless it is me, personally, up there doing just that, I feel … nothing much. I can admire and respect the skill, the hard work that has gone in, I can appreciate the result as art itself – but there is no transference. They are not me. Their achievements are not mine. I don’t own them.

I am not a *fan* – of sports teams, business heroes, great scientists, artists. I am not a patriot. I never felt company loyalty. When people say “us” and “we” for their football team or country, when they clearly see that team’s achievements and failure as *theirs*, despite that all they do is watch and read and talk about it – I don’t understand. They are not out on the pitch doing it, they are not managing the team, or running the company that pay the wages… So how can they have that feeling? Just. Don’t. Get. It.

Except in two areas. Sailing – as skipper or crew, we all become one with the boat, and we *cannot* do it alone. We are one. There is genuinely an “us”. We survive only together. We succeed only together. Or people get hurt (or worse), and in a very immediate fashion. Right before our eyes. For reasons either definitely NOT in our power (the weather) and reasons absolutely within our power (our preparedness and effort). It’s REAL.

I can guess climbing, exploring, subsistence farming and tribal level warfare would be the same. (Maybe startups come close, with the economy as the weather? Not sure on that one).

And the second area is with the right partner in life, where together we are more than each alone could ever be, wielding all our respective powers as one, pulling exactly together in the same direction. Stronger, better, more…

The cracks are where the light gets in


My next “proper” post is scheduled to be “A month of Else”, but at this rate, it’ll be “Two months of Else”. Illness and being busy with things arising from Else have taken their toll on my blogging. The “Miracle Morning” journalling has also put a dent in my writing here – a lot of my day-to-day activities have been written there, instead of being the seed here that sparks expansion into longer musings. Plus one of the things I’ve been doing is writing (a factual book), so again, maybe coming out of the same “tank” – who can tell.

So, life’s been full of activity – with all my usual occasional doubts as to if it’s the *right* activity. During my illness, I was caught up, once again, in the notion of building a boat. It’s definitely on my list. It’s a big, multi-year project, and very challenging. Nonetheless, I cannot shake the urge. Sensibly, I get back out there sailing again for longer periods first, which I’m doing with my own boat here, when I can, and I have got a holiday on a Folkboat on the Ostsee booked in September. Then progress to yet more time on board – and bigger adventures. I thought I was done with all that – clearly I’m not! Maybe *then* I can think about building a boat…

The boat has the mast down right now, waiting for the new rigging, which is in hand with a local firm. I also discovered a crack near the top of the mast (what is it with me and masts?) which was welded up yesterday. Apparently the heat has destroyed the main halyard as they could not get it out (I’ve never been keen on wire halyards). So I have to measure fit a new one – which they are going to provide. I’ll just have to see how I’m going to manage that, and the reinstallation of the new one. I hope it’s in one piece so that I can use it to run a mousing line, and measure it. I’ll see tomorrow or Sunday.

My financial dispute looks like getting expensive in legal fees, and also like I need to see about getting the Fraud Squad involvedĀ (though apparently they have been renamed “Action Fraud” – nowhere near as catchy, in my opinion). IĀ just want it over with – but it’s not going to happen overnight. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for getting into this whole situation in the first place, I want to learn the lessons – but I’m not quite sure yet what they are…

I was over 40 before anyone tried to deliberately deceive me, and I was (and am) ill-prepared for the idea that people actually really do that. I’ve not been perfect in my life, but the times I was less than honest hit me so hard, affected my life in ways I’m still trying to recover from, and I regret so deeply, Ā that I can never go there again.

If I could advise one thing for peace in the soul, it would be honest and to keep your word – Ā to yourself, and to others.

When the light begins to change, I sometimes feel a little strange

Why is it that we can know exactly what needs to be done to move our dreams and projects forwards, yet still avoid taking those next steps? Even though we dearly wish to get to our goal, we delay and distract, procrastinate and put off. Have you found yourself doing this? I know that I have!

I read a great article today in German on just this topic (https://blog.holvi.com/de/3-angste-die-ein-erfolgreicher-grunder-uberwinden-muss)

If you can read German – then go do so, it’s great. I have decided to take that as inspiration and write my very own take on the same 3 fears here. The fears are the same, the content entirely different!


It’s always daunting, as well as exciting, to do something for the first time, and this can develop into one or all of the following fears, fears which can hamper us from reaching the goals we hold so very dear:

1. Fear of the Unknown
2. Fear of Failure
3. Fear of Success

1. Fear of the Unknown
This is a natural fear in a natural world, and springs from our ancient roots. As any animal knows, what we don’t know might kill or hurt us. Eating that strange berry might poison us, taking that unexplored route might lead to us getting lost, or trapped, or eaten by predators we’ve never before encountered. Much better to stay with the familiar, right? It’s an emotional fear, but can still feel like a very real one, even in the modern age. Even though we are not likely to get injured trying to write that book, make that album, develop the next killer app or asking the boss for a raise (no matter what you might think about your editor, your drummer, your computer or your boss!).

If you think about it, though, it’s not logical. I have often been known to face this one down with “oh, come on, nobody is going to get hurt or killed …”

2. Fear of Failure
Ok, so everyone knows this one, right? If you don’t succeed in achieving your goals, you and everyone else will think you are a big fat failure, stupid, useless and will never amount to anything. But failure is not something we ARE. It is just that this particular attempt did not work out. Our actions did not lead to where we wanted to go at this particular time. Maybe we just didn’t know enough yet, maybe we just had not practiced enough yet. Both of those are quite likely with something new in fact, aren’t they? And we are all capable of getting right back up and learning more, and succeeding the next time (or the time after that). Can you think of times that you have persisted in learning a new skill and finally got somewhere? I bet you can. It is also OK to decide that this particular goal is maybe not for us and we can better spend our energies somewhere else.

Every part of this process is helping us learn and grow – and it is a damn sight more interesting than not doing anything new ever!

3. Fear of Success
Ah yes, this one is for real. I personally rate this one as the biggie, the sneaky one that can slip under our radar and cause us to self-sabotage almost without realising it. Will more success just make for more work? Will we know enough to cope with the new challenges? With fame? With bigger budgets? With that world tour? With more and more trips out of our comfort zone? Will our friends abandon us? Can I just hide under my pillow now please?

But change is life, and isn’t it more fun to do new things and risk success? Where have you succeeded before? How did that change your life and was it for the better? Did you cope? Very probably yes, right? (and if not see above under “failure”!). Surely success deserves a chance!

Right, now, let’s see if I can remember all of this as I forge ahead in my new ventures!