The cracks are where the light gets in

 

My next “proper” post is scheduled to be “A month of Else”, but at this rate, it’ll be “Two months of Else”. Illness and being busy with things arising from Else have taken their toll on my blogging. The “Miracle Morning” journalling has also put a dent in my writing here – a lot of my day-to-day activities have been written there, instead of being the seed here that sparks expansion into longer musings. Plus one of the things I’ve been doing is writing (a factual book), so again, maybe coming out of the same “tank” – who can tell.

So, life’s been full of activity – with all my usual occasional doubts as to if it’s the *right* activity. During my illness, I was caught up, once again, in the notion of building a boat. It’s definitely on my list. It’s a big, multi-year project, and very challenging. Nonetheless, I cannot shake the urge. Sensibly, I get back out there sailing again for longer periods first, which I’m doing with my own boat here, when I can, and I have got a holiday on a Folkboat on the Ostsee booked in September. Then progress to yet more time on board – and bigger adventures. I thought I was done with all that – clearly I’m not! Maybe *then* I can think about building a boat…

The boat has the mast down right now, waiting for the new rigging, which is in hand with a local firm. I also discovered a crack near the top of the mast (what is it with me and masts?) which was welded up yesterday. Apparently the heat has destroyed the main halyard as they could not get it out (I’ve never been keen on wire halyards). So I have to measure fit a new one – which they are going to provide. I’ll just have to see how I’m going to manage that, and the reinstallation of the new one. I hope it’s in one piece so that I can use it to run a mousing line, and measure it. I’ll see tomorrow or Sunday.

My financial dispute looks like getting expensive in legal fees, and also like I need to see about getting the Fraud Squad involved (though apparently they have been renamed “Action Fraud” – nowhere near as catchy, in my opinion). I just want it over with – but it’s not going to happen overnight. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for getting into this whole situation in the first place, I want to learn the lessons – but I’m not quite sure yet what they are…

I was over 40 before anyone tried to deliberately deceive me, and I was (and am) ill-prepared for the idea that people actually really do that. I’ve not been perfect in my life, but the times I was less than honest hit me so hard, affected my life in ways I’m still trying to recover from, and I regret so deeply,  that I can never go there again.

If I could advise one thing for peace in the soul, it would be honest and to keep your word –  to yourself, and to others.

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They just make you worse

Yet another night with about 5 hours sleep, me signing myself up to be more busy (short course in social media management – useful for every venture, even if only to establish whether or not I get someone else to do it in future!). All weekend plans have changed. I was supposed to have 2 gigs this week, down in Sachsen. One got cancelled by the Ordnungsamt, the other a victim of regional holiday time – it has been postponed until October. I have therefore volunteered to help Friday tonight at the boat club…

My boyfriend’s mother broke her ankle in the night, so he has to go out there to look after her (huge) dog. And *her* 90+ mother is very ill in a care home, taken very much a turn for the worse this week.

Despite what the care home people seem to think, the old grandmother does still understand and know what’s going on – it’s just she is so weak that it takes an enormous effort to get any words out, and often that fails, leaving just noises… She was apparently a “difficult” person all her life, and the family suspect she’s been recently over-medicated in an attempt to make her easier to handle – a thing which is shockingly common. Or perhaps it’s no longer shocking, which is even grimmer. Got me thinking, maybe all the “drugs” that society lays on for us are to make us easier to handle – TV to numb our minds, consumerism to numb our souls, work to give us no time to think, alcohol to let us sleep, coffee to get us awake again, ready for another day as a busy worker/consumer, dutifully making the hyper-rich even richer…

On that note – today I have had the strongest urge for a real coffee that I have had since Xmas. But I didn’t! Got my assigned 2 tasks done for the week, wrote to the users, like I was asked to, to them it was all on the test website, and my boss knows what I’ve done and that I’ve already done a bit of next weeks work. She’s on holiday next week, dunno if that will make it quieter or busier!

Also been investigating RoboAdvisors… (Investment).

Still no Else Buddy – but I did sign up for Daliah’s Social Media Manager course (just to see if I like it), watched more of Lydia Lee’s video, and made a list of possible ways I could earn / ideas of what I could create (some location-independent, some not). I’ve got my Else folder and tablet packed for a weekend at the boat (when I’m not sailing or helping out with the dinghy regatta!). Tired to death from lack of sleep this week, but maybe I’ll sleep better on board!

Heavy Load

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Back the gym today for the first time in 2 weeks. Normally if I have time off, my deadlift is unaffected, or I can even lift more – not this time. Oh well. I’m not thrilled to be back in hamster-wheel land (German classes, work), but just going to do the best job I can of it and be patient. Oh, my international sailing licence came in the post, so I’m all square if I meet the police again. Also, I got my flight refund and the bank details to pay for the damage to the other boat, which I’ll do today.

I felt close to tears again in the last phase of my workout, thoughts in the usual circle of feeling trapped by my own (past) choices and not being able to see how I can live the life I want, whilst providing value.

But I was full of energy with my new 90 day Roadmap challenge from Else Society – the only thing now is finding an accountability Buddy – we are all supposed to do this, but I have asked a few times, as have others, and very few seem to have actually managed to pair up – which I find a shame. I might have to be my own Buddy, or, since my BF wants to change his life (though he is not in any group/scheme), we can be each others. I just need the feeling that someone knows what I am doing to overhaul my life and cares – and to be that help and support for someone else. Don’t we all? I suspect I need a full-on Life Coach, I can’t expect the level of involvement and support across my whole life from anyone else. But that is quite a research task to find the right one…